Leslie-Ann left me 3weeks already, how come the pain inside seems to be more and more painful. Every night before i go to bed, i cant help holding on to my tummy and start crying. " Baby, why do you have to leave mommy and leave mommy alone.. what have mommy done wrong?" As time goes by i start to hate myself more and more as i must have done something wrong to let her go away.

I know there are people put there who really care and honestly i know deep inside. At the moment nothing can heal what i am going through. I try to put this aside and look forward, but it just seem so hard. When Myron left me, i wrote him a letter and make a closure of the whole incident, but till now i still cannot accept the fact that Leslie-Ann had left me to heaven.

Why do i have to go through all this? Why me? Can someone please tell me whats going on.. is just so cruel to do this to me again!

Goodbye my Princess " Leslie-Ann"

Went thru another big blow in my life... Lost Leslie-ann at 21weeks...

I had some slight cramp on the night of 17June and decided to see my gynae the next morning. We she checked and she was shock as i was 4cm dilated. I was sent to NUH immediately to do a cerclage and hopefully being bed rest, baby will be OK. At the operating theater, i was told my cervix is fully dilated and he doctor have a had time doing the cerclage. First 24hrs is the critical part as i was monitor and hope my bleeding and contraction dun get too massive. Was at the delivery suite for 4nights and later moved back to the normal ward. Was advise to bed rest at the hospital till i am 28weeks as that is so call the safe period. But after 10days, the water bag still went thru the stitches and the doctor have to do another emergency removal of the cerclage. After that i was induced and baby came out in 2hrs. 28June, the darkest day of my life.. keep asking and crying why do i have to go thru this again after Myron left me last Nov.. Why is god so unfair and have to take Leslie-ann away again!!

12days had pass, physically i am OK but mentally i think it take a while. Went to my gynae and review and my body is healing well. For the time being i will rest and was advise my next pregnancy, i have to do the cerlage at week 12 after the NT scan. At least the chances of the cerclage done at week 12 is over 80%... Honestly, deep inside i am so afraid and wonder will my next want be OK, but i am not going to give up as i really hope to have my own baby. Someone my own to love.. just hope God wont be cruel to me again and again.

I am looking forward to my cycle to get back to normal and when David and me are mentally really we will start trying again. From now till then just hope David get over soon as he is very upset over what happened too, and we will take this time to treasure each other more as we wasted too much time having difference views and aim in life i guess.

Coming 20weeks

Tomorrow will be 20weeks to my pregnancy. When you have so much to do, time flies. I have being on no paid leave since 11 May till now as David injured his knee due to soccer and undergo a major operation on his knee, he was immobile and only managed to walk with clutches. Even walking with clutches is a challenge, so all these week being taking care of him on his daily needs and also send him to/from Physiotherapy sessions at Camden Medical Centre. Really hope he get well soon so he can go back to work as he is so busy and i can go back to work too :P

OK lets talk about my pregnancy so far, so far being good and already feeling the kicks and punches from my little darling. Is really painful sometimes but deep inside i am happy. Gender?? Guess all have being wondering right, since the beginning, my instincts tells me is a Boy, but slowly becoming girl then boy... aiyo... all mixed up. As for the scan, maybe i went to see my gynae without David as he really cant walk that far to the clinic with me, baby doesn't want to show me and even using his.her hand to cover up the " private " part. Very active baby but come to scanning the private part, doesn't want to move and show me... arghhhhh.. Guess waiting for David and reveal together. So far already know how to win daddy heart. Will be doing detailed scan on 28Jun, so by then should be able to see.

To me, girl or boy i am equally happy as long as baby is healthy. But of cos i know David will love to have a girl. Guess if baby is a girl, will be daddy little princess and will be spoiled by David for sure! Guarantee with a chop.. heehee!!! David already mentioned, if is a girl, she will be the King and she is No.1... so unfair huh... Men are after all men, girls sucker!! keke!!

OK enough for now and will keep all posted once i have the news. Cheers (",)

13weeks into my pregnancy (",)

Tummy getting bigger each day and can reali feel the stretch now... Did the NT scan and baby is doing find. Baby was very active when doing the scan but when taking a picture of him/her, he/she seem to keep still and dun move so much.. heehee!! Thought after 12weeks the morning sickness will be better... who knows... sighz.... i am still puking now and is always after 4pm till before dinner time it will stop. Morning sickness.. please go away soon... always pat pat baby saying please dun let mommy puke as you will be hungry if all the food i ate go to the toilet bowl.... hope it end soon. Surprisingly i can see the Nigra line already. That's fast... Next scan is 19May and hope by then can see baby gender as i cant wait to decor the room .

Baby Scan @ 10weeks

This is the scan of my precious little darling... When the doctor doing the scan, bb is bouncing and very active. From this scan can clearly see the head, the ears, eyes sockets, nose and lips... isnt he/she cute? Always look forward to see the gynae as that is when i can see my bb in the monitor. I am doing the NT scan on 27April and hope to see more of the bb movement then. Will keep all of you posted after the scan.

At 11weeks 3 Days of my Pregnancy

Have not being updating this blog for a while and i think i should keep my engine going.. (",)...
I promise some of my friends that i should update my blog when my pregnancy is more stable and here i am. I am 11weeks into my pregnancy and my tummy seem so big isnt it. When i have Myron, i think my tummy is is size when i am 4months preggie. Just hope this is ok and just hope is just because i eat too much. hehehe!! I eat well and sleep well but i do feel tired most time. Due to my big mouth, my morning sickness start kicking in when i am in my 8 weeks. When i am fine i feel paranoid saying how come no symptons, but now i regret what i had said cos i reali hate to puke!!! So far baby is doing well and seem very active the last time i did my scan. Baby when bouncing around and waving at the tv monitor... but when i shared this with David, he thinks i nonsense :( who cares... he misses it anyway. lets update the growth of my precious baby :-

6 weeks 5 days ~ 0.72cm (EDD - 05Nov)

8 weeks 5 days ~ 2.30cm (EDD - 05Nov)

10 weeks 2 days ~ 3.72cm (EDD - 07Nov)

The EDD seems to change but 07Nov is the date David hope baby is born as is between 04Nov (my bday) and 11Nov (his bday)... So lets see when baby decide to pop out then.... :)

Photo we took over the years (",)

The pictures are all taken from my mobile.. bought back some very sweet memories when i look at them. Guess those are the really happy moments we shared. David a bit more "rounded" now, guess after staying together i feed him too well.. heehee!